Here's how I used to define my power - work, success, praise. Work, success, praise. Power. Work, success, praise. Power. It's been two years since I've had a "regular job. It's been two years since we jumped feet first into a business that was, at the time, less than mediocre. It needed love and attention, and all the results of that were not immediate, are not immediate. Work. Not immediate success, no praise. It's an adjustment that I didn't even realise until recently when Kevin asked me "do you like doing this? Do you miss working at a regular job?"
Wow... do I miss my regular job? Yes! (I just heard all of your roll your eyes from here. I get it, believe me, I do. I just rolled my own eyes.) My days, two years ago, had a routine. Get up early, go to work, work at something I know, or atleast can work toward knowing and be good at it. Actually, not just be good at it, be the best at it. It what I have done for YEARS. When I started working service at a dealership, I knew nothing about service. I worked hard to not just know, but be the best at it. I became one of the best service advisors in the face of being a girl in a man industry. I wanted it. I needed to prove them all wrong, and when someone dared to say I couldn't do it, I was defiant and did it better than anyone else - whatever it was. I had a fuck-you attitude and it worked for me. I carried that with me for years. I took it to an admin job, that didn't satisfy me, so I made someone realize that I was better and climbed a ladder quickly, working with some amazing people who taught me a lot along the way. And as they did, they metaphorically patted me on the head and told me what I good girl I was. And I liked it. A lot. Work, success, praise. Power.
For the past two years, I've been working. Working at a different pace, at a different genre, at a different gig. I've been trying to love it. Hell, some days I've been trying to like it. Work, work, work. Farm, harvest, create, sell. I have traded in my definition of success for building without any warning to my subconscious! How dare I! I traded in success and praise. Work, success, praise, power was no more, and I JUST realized it. There is no more pat on the head. There is no more "atta girl". It's just building and work and waiting.
I miss my job. I miss the clinic, and the girls, and the people and dammit I miss the pat on the head. I used to demand it when I did something good, ask my last boss, he'll tell you! I would open his door and say "who's a good girl, tell me I'm good, pat me on my head". And he would laugh at the preposterousness of it, and humor me and say "atta girl". I miss feeling powerful.
So here's where the books come in. I've been choosing books, subconsciously, looking for way to find my power. I've been reading self help books that I find self deprecating and annoying and then feeling empty when I am done them because I'm not fulfilled and inspired. What the actual fuck? Why didn't that mooooooooove me?
Here's why. I know I am great. I just need to be reminded that I am the sun. If you get this - sweet Jesus, thank God for you because I don't want to explain it. If you don't get it, please get familiar with Cristina Yang and Merideth Grey and read Year of Yes. I am the sun.
I am the sun. Praise. Power.
Here's the thing. I don't want to have to call on Shonda Rhimes every damn time I need a reminder. I mean, I've sort of made it my mantra. I repeat it in my head A LOT - I am the sun. But I need something to remind me in my own words, and here I sit trying to sort out how to pat myself on the head or figuring out what is going to get me to the point of self praise now - where I can sit back and say "I did that. Look at that. It's magnificent. Atta girl." and pat my head. Power. Satisfaction. Joy.
I thought to myself, if I sit down and write down words I want to hear to get my mojo going, are they going to think I am conceited? Are they going to tell me how much better I think I am? Are they going to tell me again that I have no right to feel awesome? Again? That's right, you heard me. You know who I'm talking about. Those people who are intimidated by a woman knowing she's kickass and secure and powerful and not afraid to say it. Well sistas, haven't we spent enough time in the land of self deprecation? You (or maybe I say to myself) say I can't? Fuck you. I'm powerful. I eat it for breakfast. I am great. I can, and I will, and when I do, I'll pat my head and say "atta girl". Work, success, praise. Power. Joy.
I can. I am powerful. I am brilliant. I am capable. I will. I will not fail, or if I do, I will do it again, and that's okay. I will do it. I will find a way. I am powerful. I am strong. I am determined. I will decide. I am powerful. I am enough. I AM THE SUN.
Atta girl.
Today my thing was going to the gym. It's reeeeeeeeal easy not to go. It's not easy to see the results of going without going. But the opposite is true - it's easy to see the results of not going just as easily. I don't like to talk about going to the gym because people eye roll. They say "I don't do gyms,", or "I don't have time", or "I don't like people watching me" and they diminish my decision to go, to be better, to work at being healthy. Well I don't like being fat. And I want arms like that powerful girl I just saw in that movie. I want that power. So I'm going to the gym, and if your answer isn't "atta girl", then keep it to yourself. I went to the gym today and spent one hour and forty two minutes being sweaty and at times doubting if I could do it. I did it. And tomorrow I'll do it again, and maybe it won't be as painful. I did it - work, success, praise. Atta girl.
I am the God Damn Sun. And I need to never forget that. You need to never forget that. You are the sun. The sun.
Power.
Joy.
Atta girl.
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