I got a phone call yesterday. It was panicky and disheartened and over emotional. My boy, so excited to have gotten into college, was slammed with decision making about tuition and start dates and locations and being ready financially, and mentally. And let me tell you - I was faced with a moment of knowing what I say right then would make the difference in his life in so many ways. So I thought for a moment, and I took a big breath, and I called him back. What I said was "what can I do to help you? Are you prepared? Are you happy? What decisions that you make will make you happy? Are you ready, do you need time? What do you need from me?"
I could have said a hundred different things like - you're an adult, sort it out. Or you should have been expecting this, now what are you going to do? Or this isn't my problem - this is adulting. And sometimes I do say those things to my kids - when that's what they need to hear. But yesterday, yesterday was different. Part of me knows that he was so reliant on my approval and support. I know he wants to do what I want him to do, but sometimes what I want isn't the answer. This day was about what he wants, and what he is ready for.
I spent some time going over options, and making some phone calls. It really wasn't much. But the most important thing I did yesterday was make him understand that no matter what he decides, he is loved, and I am so proud of him in the decisions he's already made lately. I helped where I was asked to, and not where I wasn't. I offered support for whatever decision he wants to make right now. Stay working at a job you love? Okay. Go to school, and work through the chaos that will definitely be your week to start the school year? Sure thing. Whatever you choose, I have your back, and I am proud.
Sometimes kids- even as adults, need parenting. But the shift in parenting is the key. It's in the support and guidance, not so much in the discipline and rules and expectations. There are days I still rely on calling my parents, and I am 43 years old. I know ultimately, my decisions are my own, but still, I turn to their life experience, just as I hope all of my kids will turn to me for mine. I've been through some ugly, hard things. I've also experienced joy and wonder and I have never had to doubt my parental support. It may not have come in the all the ways I wanted but that's life, and the ability to learn on my own was abundant - safely knowing there were always hands to help me up if I fell.
Kids fall. Humans fall. I always want to be a hand up. And I will forever live by and encourage the mantra: fall down seven, stand up eight. Defeat is not an option, moving forward is.
To my children, I will always be your hand up. I will always be your support. Never doubt that. My advice or my words may not be what you expect, sometimes they will be what you need despite the look on your face when I speak. I will always do my part to ensure your life successes, and when you need help, I will always answer the call - no matter how old you are. I love you all.
Also, thank you, truly, for calling me, texting me, and for the simple act of asking for what you need from me. My soul shines with your brightness.
