"When you get tired - you stop being fucking nice. When you are exhausted and overwhelmed...you.stop.being.nice." (~ Dr. Jody Carrington ~ just this morning, FB live) "I just don't have a lot left in the tank for a lot of people".
You know what, Jody... me too. Me. Fucking. Too.
I am tired. The world is fucking tired. My husband will tell me I shouldn't cuss when I write... But seriously - FUCK. Kindness is lacking. Patience has been had, and the cup is empty. It is taking everything for us to function daily, never mind with compassion and kindness. I am constantly feeling like I am waiting with baited breath for a world catastrophe or some life altering event to be thrown at my feet. I have done my best to turn off the news, to put down my phone, to avoid the social media arguments and comments about what is real and what is not real, and what is a cover for this thing or that thing. I have done my absolute best to remain kind, and calm and reasonable. I have checked on my friends and my people, and extended myself so far making sure everyone else is okay.
But - let me tell you what. I am tired. I am struggling. The thing about having big shoulders, being a "fixer", and spending a life time being the go-to and the rational level-headed, stable being - is people forget that THAT JOB IS FUCKING HARD. It's hard on a regular day, but during an 18th month span of a global pandemic, being an owner of a small business just trying to make it, making sure my people are safe and well, and retain my own sanity? Come on!
I started to question things in my exhaustion. Business, relationships, friendships. I mean, don't we all? Am I alone here? ( I know I am not). The emotions, the sensitivity, the personal rules, the tolerance, the understanding, the patience, all of the things - are harder. And as Dr. Carrington says, "when you get tired, you stop being nice". Yep. Being nice right now is epically hard.
Here's some truths for you - some raw, hard, unadulterated truths:
1. I am tired of one-way friendships. You know what? I'm a great fucking friend. I check on my people, I help when I can. I bring the coffee, I plan the visits. I do the things. Honestly, there are times I fumble, and I catch myself flaking out of things - rescheduling, not showing up, but I am VERY aware of it, and usually, I correct it quickly. I do what I can with what I've got. I will usually give everything I have - physically and emotionally. If I know you are struggling with something, I will make the call. I will offer up an ear, maybe even helpful advice (lord knows I've been through some shit and learned some valuable things along the way). I will be the friend that shows up, whatever you need that to look like. Right now, I can count on one hand the number of friends that I can say the same of. I don't even think I need all the fingers. I have spent a great deal of the past few years knowing that I expect too much of people. I live by the golden rule - and honestly, I truly felt more people did as well. I was wrong. I live in a world of takers and I am tired. Daily I put less and less effort into people who can't be bothered to reciprocate the friendship extended to them nor practice gratitude for the kindness and effort involved. Does that sound pretentious? Like "the sun never says to the Earth, 'you owe me'" - I know, but Jesus... If you can't be bothered to participate in the returned kindness of friendship... Be a better human, you know? Check on your "friends", put forth some god damn effort - or have less of them, I guess. I don't even know anymore.
2. Business is hard. Hubs and I own a small business. This does not mean (now buckle up kids, this may be shocking for some of you) that we have a fuck-tonne of money. You know what it means? It means that we work really fucking hard to make something successful. It means sometimes, we work 17 hour days and get up and do it again over and over and over. It means that sometimes, we don't get paid because some other bill takes priority or something else needs to be fixed, or some god damn pandemic has put limitations on what you can do, or sell, or when you can do or sell it, or who can come to participate in the business you have worked so hard to be able to offer to people. It means that sometimes we work seven days a week for months, and then take a vacation for a few weeks and get judged because of it, not congratulated for deserving it. People expect us to support their small business but, again, it is not often reciprocated. That's life. We get it. But if you are one of these people - stop it. If you are going to Wal-Mart instead of the farmers market right now for your vegetables, or have your hand out for your organization's donation, but wouldn't otherwise cross the door way, think twice about how willing a small business will be in return. If I am supporting your small business, but the support is one way, it won't last long. Trust me. I am a HUGE supporter of small business, crafters, makers, entrepreneurs who SUPPORT EACH OTHER.
3. I will always celebrate my people. I don't care if you don't like them, or me celebrating my people makes you feel, in some way, inadequate about your people. I will not shrink my joy to accommodate you. The end.
4. Yes, I expect you to be nice - whomever you are. Even if I don't know you, and you are reading this, know, that if I see you on the street, and I smile to extend kindness, I expect you to be fucking nice. I know this has become a detrimental fault of my own personality - but how sad is that? If I didn't ask for your opinion, I expect you to keep it to yourself. If the world didn't ask for your opinion - same, same. There are times we all want to be heard, but there are only select times when the right people are listening. Choose wisely.
5. I watched a flashbacks episode of The Voice last night - and it made me incredibly sad. Here's why - people were embracing in joy. Hugging in pure elation to celebrate success and genuine emotion, and as I watched that, I instantly missed it. The act of sharing joy where humans embraced. I miss the intimacy of human love and connection. Truth: I never stopped hugging my people over this time of pandemic. You can judge me, it's okay, I will understand your point if you do. But please know, some people, are not capable of shutting every single point of human contact off, and your judgement, just like your opinion, is not always welcome.
I'm tired. You're tired. The whole fucking world is tired. I am an advocate of talking. If you are dealing with something and need help, reach out. If you have something to say, say it, just be fucking nice about it. Keep your judgement and opinion to yourself, exude kindness when you can, and when you can't, stay home. Find some quiet, find some peace. Connect with your people in whatever way soothes your soul. Give what you can, but don't forget to take care of yourself first - because no one else is going to.
Try to be a good human. Even when it's hard.
J
