Thursday, January 18, 2018

Saying Prayers

Sometimes,  when it all gets too loud, and I just can't even sort out my own thoughts, I turn to the only other place I know. I don't really know if I can call it praying, but I sure do faĺl asleep having some complicated conversations.   My mom always used to say if I fell asleep saying my prayers,  the angels would  finish them for me. I sure hope she's right....
 
I had a day yesterday.  One of those roller coaster, what the hell is going on,  really badly need to lay on the floor and feel the earth still, just let me take a deep breath, someone hear my words before I go crazy kind of day.  And then he came over, looked at the necklace settled around my tired neck, and slid the clasp back around to where it's supposed to be. "Someone's thinking about you", he said quietly.
 
"Lord, I hope so".
 
 

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Humble and Kind...and Enough

In the last half hour, I saw a  picture of a girl who bullied me through three of my teenage years.  She was the gem that met me at the corner of the building I had a class in, and threatened my life - daily.  She loathed me, and was pretty vocal about it.  She never laid a hand on me, but held all the crippling power in a mere suggestion of it.  Daily.  She was, then, then epitome of evil to me.  She made me afraid to go to class, to school, leave the house, have friends, go anywhere possible she might be.  She made my stomach turn in knots, and made me want to be physically ill.  She was ugly inside. 

Twenty seven years later, I am on the brink of 42, and the feeling has switched from anger and hurt to curiosity (okay, and truthfully still a little anger).  My stomach still knots at the memories.  I actually scrolled through her facebook profile.  There's a baby, and a fiancé.  There is a smile that seems not to be fueled by someone else's pain.  There is a post that reads, ironically, "always stay humble and kind", and I actually scoffed out loud.  I blurted out an iconic Alicia Silverstone "AS IF!".  And sitting there, staring at her, I wondered if there was any chance she actually believed that now.  I wondered if she learned.  I mean, really... don't we all?  But Lord, do I want the answer to that question.  Does she really, truly, from her soul, feel that kindness matters?  And does she even have a clue as to what she did?  Was she ever sorry? 

And then, I thought - does it matter? The fact is, I'll never know the answer.  I am a successful, beautiful, confident woman that was affected by bullying.  It doesn't make me a victim.  It makes me a God damn survivor of terror, and good for me for being raised with skills to make me better than her.  It also made me a better parent eventually, a better friend, and guess what?  It made me kinder.

A few years ago, I did some public speaking in schools all over Alberta.  I had created and presented a program called "I Believe In Me".  I talked about the power of confidence growing up believing in yourself and empowering other people to do the same. I used her as an example of who not to be and secretly wished she could hear it.  It empowered me, it empowered children.  I won.

I know now, as an adult, that her behaviour was some sort of internal struggle with her own confidence and her need to be more powerful than someone or whatever the thing was that ate at her from the inside out.  I know she had no real seeded reason for her hatred.  It wasn't really me.  It was the threat of me, who I was, what I was, where I was - and it was everything she wasn't, but maybe wanted to be.  Today, right now, my hope is that she really did learn that she was enough, is enough, and doesn't need anyone else's pain to make her feel it.  I hope she finally feels "enough".

Here's how I'm going to leave this all:  You know when you hear someone say "it's okay..." after an apology?  First of all, I'm never getting that apology.  I'm not that naïve.  But I am never going to say it was or is okay.  I understand your shitty behaviour.  You were a shitty person.  I hope you've become less shitty, and live now to rectify who you were. I hope you are both humble and kind. 






Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Blurty Brand New Year - Same Ol' Me

Happy January 2, and welcome 2018! I've been thinking about this post for some time now.  What should I write?  What should I address, who gets my attention, and who do I just simply leave behind?  It's been consuming my brain a bit.  I think I've written a post in my head thirty times or so, never actually sitting down with the words.  I don't know how to make it all flow.  There's so much to just blurt out there so it's said and I'm not carrying it in this brand spanky new year.  So I decided to just do that - blurt.  In no particular order other than how it comes out - blurt.  Blurty. 

Dear friend that left my life in 2017, good bye.  I've wasted enough energy thinking about it all and wondering just how our friendship twisted into the silent nothingness that it is now.  I've spent enough time being blamed, angry and hurt, disappointed and confused.  I'm tired of missing pictures, and thrown away moments, I'm over wondering what everyone we know thinks about it.  You made your choice, it had nothing to do with me.  And though I miss you dearly, the damage is done and it will never be the same regardless of what is said now.  Know with absolute certainty that I wish you well, and I hope one day you are healthy and happy and that your soul is fulfilled.  I treasure so much of what was us and understand many lessons I learned along the way.  I can't be part of any more of your journey - and that is my decision - not my fault. 

Relationships are hard work.  Every single one of them.  And I want to clarify.  Love is NOT hard.  Love is easy.  Loving is easy.  Being loved is easy.  It does not hurt or twist.  Love does not need effort.  Love is easy.  Relationships are not love - love is a facet.  So is patience, and compromise, and sacrifice, and hurt and struggle, and laughter and tears.  Truth, growing, communication, assumption and lack there of - all facets.  Effort - that is the working tool of relationships, and I like to think it's fueled by love.  Remember this in your relationships - your friendships, your family, your partners, the people in your life every single day.  Fuel your effort with love.  Feed the relationships that are good for you, and leave behind the ones that no longer bring you joy. 

I will be forty two years old this year.  I plan to be amazing, and my intention is to just become more spectacular as I age.  To hell with eye cream, cutsie hair cuts that promise to be "easier" than they ever are, weighing the perfect amount, or worrying about who is running when I am not.  Yeah, I buy my clothes in a size that isn't a six.  And?  I look great in them!  My feet are a size nine (ish) and no, I don't need high heels that make my feet hurt five days a week.  If you're lucky, once or twice a year, for about two hours, you might catch me in a pair, but don't go holding your breath for that glimpse.  No, this isn't my proclamation of being the next granola eating, razorless Yetti of Walmart.  I just mean to say that I'm going to be me -whatever size that happens to be that day, whatever outfit, hair in a bun or blown out long, cargo pants or jeans, sandals or boots, dashiki or moo moo.  The point is, social media sucks at letting us be ourselves.  We have to be stronger than what's expected of us - the bar, is in fact, way too low as I see it. 

Gratitude is a fleeting trait. So is appreciation.  Complacency and entitlement seems to be replacing them.  Please do your part to prevent this and remember how much of your life could be different. 

I am lucky to share my life with some pretty amazing people.  Thank you for what you share with me. 

This year ahead is full of potential.  It will be filled with changes and growth.  There will be learning and newness.  I am so excited!  This year, there will be struggles - because nothing good comes easy.  There will be challenges and rewards.  There will be accomplishment.  There will be fear, and uneasiness, there will be uncomfortable longing.  There will be hellos and goodbyes.  And there will be an abundance of moving forward.  I am praying for gentle grace in it all.

I can't wait, and I can't wait to tell you all about it. 

Thanks for still being here.