I am the Sun.

I've been reading a lot of powerful books lately.  I mean - A LOT.  They are books of powerful women, and stories about powerful choices, and truly being a powerhouse.  I used to feel like a powerhouse.  Lately not so much, and I when I looked at it, about the whys and hows, it turns out, I'm not used to not being a powerhouse. 

Here's how I used to define my power - work, success, praise. Work, success, praise.  Power.  Work, success, praise. Power.  It's been two years since I've had a "regular job.  It's been two years since we jumped feet first into a business that was, at the time, less than mediocre.  It needed love and attention, and all the results of that were not immediate, are not immediate.  Work.  Not immediate  success, no praise.  It's an adjustment that I didn't even realise until recently when Kevin asked me "do you like doing this?  Do you miss working at a regular job?"

Wow... do I miss my regular job?  Yes!  (I just heard all of your roll your eyes from here.  I get it, believe me, I do.  I just rolled my own eyes.)  My days, two years ago, had a routine.  Get up early, go to work, work at something I know, or atleast can work toward knowing and be good at it.  Actually, not just be good at it, be the best at it.  It what I have done for YEARS.  When I started working service at a dealership, I knew nothing about service.  I worked hard to not just know, but be the best at it.  I became one of the best service advisors in the face of being a girl in a man industry.  I wanted it.  I needed to prove them all wrong, and when someone dared to say I couldn't do it, I was defiant and did it better than anyone else - whatever it was.  I had a fuck-you attitude and it worked for me.  I carried that with me for years.  I took it to an admin job, that didn't satisfy me, so I made someone realize that I was better and climbed a ladder quickly, working with some amazing people who taught me a lot along the way.  And as they did, they metaphorically patted me on the head and told me what I good girl I was.  And I liked it.  A lot.  Work, success, praise.  Power. 

For the past two years, I've been working.  Working at a different pace, at a different genre, at a different gig.  I've been trying to love it.  Hell, some days I've been trying to like it.  Work, work, work.  Farm, harvest, create, sell.  I have traded in my definition of success for building without any warning to my subconscious!  How dare I!  I traded in success and praise.  Work, success, praise, power was no more, and I JUST realized it.  There is no more pat on the head.  There is no more "atta girl".  It's just building and work and waiting. 

I miss my job.  I miss the clinic, and the girls, and the people and dammit I miss the pat on the head.  I used to demand it when I did something good, ask my last boss, he'll tell you!  I would open his door and say "who's a good girl, tell me I'm good, pat me on my head".  And he would laugh at the preposterousness of it, and humor me and say "atta girl".  I miss feeling powerful. 

So here's where the books come in.  I've been choosing books, subconsciously, looking for way to find my power.  I've been reading self help books that I find self deprecating and annoying and then feeling empty when I am done them because I'm not fulfilled and inspired.  What the actual fuck?  Why didn't that mooooooooove me? 

Here's why.  I know I am great.  I just need to be reminded that I am the sun.  If you get this - sweet Jesus, thank God for you because I don't want to explain it.  If you don't get it, please get familiar with Cristina Yang and Merideth Grey and read Year of Yes.  I am the sun.  

I am the sun.  Praise. Power. 

Here's the thing.  I don't want to have to call on Shonda Rhimes every damn time I need a reminder. I mean, I've sort of made it my mantra.  I repeat it in my head A LOT - I am the sun.  But I need something to remind me in my own words, and here I sit trying to sort out how to pat myself on the head or figuring out what is going to get me to the point of self praise now - where I can sit back and say "I did that.  Look at that.  It's magnificent.  Atta girl."  and pat my head.  Power.  Satisfaction.  Joy.

I thought to myself, if I sit down and write down words I want to hear to get my mojo going, are they going to think I am conceited?  Are they going to tell me how much better I think I am? Are they going to tell me again that I have no right to feel awesome?  Again?  That's right, you heard me.  You know who I'm talking about.  Those people who are intimidated by a woman knowing she's kickass and secure and powerful and not afraid to say it.  Well sistas, haven't we spent enough time in the land of self deprecation?  You (or maybe I say to myself) say I can't?  Fuck you.  I'm powerful.  I eat it for breakfast.  I am great.  I can, and I will, and when I do, I'll pat my head and say "atta girl".  Work, success, praise. Power. Joy.

I can.  I am powerful.  I am brilliant.  I am capable.  I will.  I will not fail, or if I do, I will do it again, and that's okay.  I will do it.  I will find a way.  I am powerful.  I am strong.  I am determined.  I will decide. I am powerful.  I am enough.  I AM THE SUN.

Atta girl.

Today my thing was going to the gym.  It's reeeeeeeeal easy not to go.  It's not easy to see the results of going without going.  But the opposite is true - it's easy to see the results of not going just as easily.  I don't like to talk about going to the gym because people eye roll.  They say "I don't do gyms,", or "I don't have time", or "I don't like people watching me" and they diminish my decision to go, to be better, to work at being healthy.  Well I don't like being fat.  And I want arms like that powerful girl I just saw in that movie.  I want that power.  So I'm going to the gym, and if your answer isn't "atta girl", then keep it to yourself.  I went to the gym today and spent one hour and forty two minutes being sweaty and at times doubting if I could do it.  I did it.  And tomorrow I'll do it again, and maybe it won't be as painful.  I did it - work, success, praise. Atta girl. 

I am the God Damn Sun.  And I need to never forget that.  You need to never forget that. You are the sun.  The sun.

Power.

Joy.

Atta girl.

Smiling Eyes

I used to be very concerned about the lines around me eyes.  I've bought creams and lotions, I've tried scrubs and serums.  Truth is, my skin is pretty great, and I am very blessed, and I am rounding 44. 

And in the words of my momma - who is rarely wrong when it comes to these sorts of things - "you know you wouldn't have those lines if you didn't smile so much..."  True Story.

At Least I Wasn't Wearing That Dress

So the funk... It's still lingering.  I still have very little motivation despite the stacks of paper on my desk.  But yesterday, I felt the break.  I knew when it cracked.  I felt it.  And do you want to know what did it?  The Golden Globe Red Carpet. 

I know, right? 

Years ago, I started watching the Red Carpet for all the events - Golden Globes, Emmy's and the Oscars... ohhh the Oscars. It's the biggest, the brightest and the best.  I didn't watch it alone, of course.  This was always a Sunday with mom.  We'd watch for the dresses, the outfits and the stars.  The whos who of the whos who.  What's she wearing, who's he with, and did she just fall UP the stairs?  It makes me gloriously happy.  I don't really care about the awards at all. I just want to see what she wore...

Last night, I was wallowing in it, still.  Let's be honest.  It's just gross.  Like, dude, go outside.  But no... the couch held me.  I turned it on without knowing it was on.  E-Live! At the Red Carpet!  Yes!!!    My soul jumped a little.  I know it's weird, you don't need to tell me.  I gawked at the dresses, I gasped at the feathery suit.  I wanted that necklace... and then, I texted my mom. 

Suddenly it was like she was sitting right with me as we gawked and ewwwed.  And the lonliness was a little less.  And then my phone buzzed and Dana said "ummm did you just see what that dress..." 

Well, yes I did.  And I laughed.  Across two provinces, from three little towns, we watched the Red Carpet Glamor and gushed over Scarlett Johanson, and wondered what Gwenyth Paltrow was thinking, and is that half a dress Carrie Washington was wearing?  Are those Beyonce's boobs in her sleeves?  What is going on?  This year may have been the year of the most ridiculous dresses and I cannot wait for the Oscars! 

I guess what I'm saying is, I've been a little blue in all this grey here in the snow.  There's a bit of funk in the air.  There's busy times, and some adjusting to do.  There's the settling still and the figuring out, and the planning and the year ahead.  It's been a bit of a time for our souls ( I hear you loud and clear friends and I love you all so much)... But... at least, we didn't have to wear that dress. In public. 

It's going to be better. Hang on, you can do it.  I love you.

J

Outside Of the Winners Circle

So often, we tell about painful periods of our life from the winners circle. It’s not very often that anyone tells a tale from the vulnerable, raw parts of their soul, sharing the hurt, the pain, the real parts that happen in life to get the part where we are supposed to grow and learn.

Well this is one of those days for me - not in the winners circle. Guess what, friends? Not all my days are spent in the winners circle. Shocker, hey? I bet not all of yours are either - and it’s from that place, whatever the opposite of the winners circle is, that I find myself sitting smack dab in the middle of.

I’ve been staring in the mirror lately at someone I don’t recognize, someone I don’t like very much, and frankly someone I despise. I am angry - All. The. Time. I am spent. I am exhausted. I am irritable, and listless and voiceless. I feel needy and unsure. I am sad and anxious and frankly lost in my days. My motivation is zero. My ambition took a hike and left me behind. I feel like a shitty partner, a questionable parent, a terrible friend, and a weak individual. Weak. I am in pain. I feel so much less of myself than I have in so, so long. I don’t know how to fix where I am, and I am scared.

For a long time now, I’ve been asking myself just how long the rope is, because I’ve been at the end of it for so long, just tying knots trying to hang on to whatever is left. Everywhere I look there is so much brokenness, and I am fighting to see the beauty in the days. Where did my optimism go? How did the monsters get back in - those ones that tell such convincing lies? And how was I so easily convinced of what they said?

The truth is, it happens. It’s a bad week. It started six days ago and the let up is taking a bit longer this time. But all I can know for sure is, that I hope it will - let up, I mean. And it’s in that hope that I tie another knot.

I want you to know something. I feel like shit right now. Maybe you do too. A few days ago I asked some people if they'd remembered anything I'd written, anything that was particularly memorable, or something relatable. Turns out the answer was yes, and one of the things people said is that I wasn't afraid to be raw and talk about it. So here we are, talking about it, and I hope, maybe it helps someone other than me just to put some heavy words down.

But there’s something that I have learned through the struggle of the moving forward - it doesn’t last. The Universe will unfold its plan, you just have to have a little faith in it. In my struggle this morning, I was reading - ultimately surprising, I know - and these words LITERALLY appeared on my screen and I thought - holy shit, that’s for me… (I’m not joking… on my screen, and then the little “read more” button, and I did).

One more time, for my people in the back, you are nothing less.

Your heart loves so deeply that most can’t even find the bottom.

I know because mine does, too.

It takes one to know one.

It was gifted the ability to see what could be instead of what is.

It’s a gift.

To see beauty in a world that is surrounded with brokenness.

To love even the unworthy.

To hope amidst the pain.

You are not weak.

~Jenna Irvin~

I still can’t read it without crying today. I’ll probably read it every single day until I can. I might put it on my wall for a bit so I can read it a thousand times. The Universe unfolds itself. I have faith in it. Jenna Irvin shouted it from the Winners Circle.

I heard it loud and clear. I hope you can too. It’ll be better. Just not today. Maybe tomorrow.

You are not weak, and I love you.


J