Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Where No Place is Home

It's hard for me to be in this place... where no where is home anymore.

It's hard to not belong here nor there.  It's a limbo I can't get used to and I am wondering if I will ever feel like myself again.  My soul is struggling to feel comfort and to feel safe in all this newness and I don't know how to make it any better.  I am hiding parts of myself to accommodate, sure that wasn't part of the deal I made myself when I decided to move forward.

I am neither here nor there.  Not fully present in either place, watching from a sideline I can't seem to cross, keeping score instead of being in this game of movement.  My soul is screaming to go home, but I'm not really sure where that is or who this person is that doesn't know much about anything right now.

I chose the path less traveled... Maybe it's time I just laid down and watched the leaves fall instead.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

I Cried Today

I cried today. 

I sat down and absorbed all the emotion I had forced outside myself that sat on the surface like mud, and I cried.  I cried for all the things that are new and frightening.  I cried for the relief of things I left behind.  I cried hurt and confusion, and cried exhaustion.  I cried for things I can not understand, and for the things I can do nothing about.  I cried knowing that's my way to heal, and I cried knowing it's perfectly fine for me to feel, and to cry and wash away the mud. 

Sometimes the weight of the world is just too heavy, and today, I had to put it down for a while. 

And in that moment where I just let it go, I found gratitude. 

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Wishes Waiting In The Fall

I was outside today, trying to make sense of things falling down and turning new colors. I caught this out of the corner of my eye.  

...and I thought, well there's a hand full of wishes in the fall, just waiting to be on the wind. 


Monday, September 7, 2015

Worry About The Rest Later

Alright, I am sitting here, with a dog in my lap, sour soothers in my mouth, music being played below me. I am in my new space, in a recliner with my foot up. Truth is, I really can't do much more. I decided this is my "window".  If I want to start writing again, or considering working on books etc, this is the time...

...but it's been so long I feel like I can't decide where to pick up since I left off.

Perhaps a little gratitude...

This is my new space, and I am incredibly grateful for the love that was poured into this room.

Despite the pain in the ass that this brace is, and that I am VERY limited in what I can do physically for a few weeks, I am grateful my acl is fixed and the healing can now move forward. 

I am grateful for the desire to write, to create and to return to the things that settle my soul.  I am also grateful for taking some time to decide where to pick up this project.

So for now, I'll take that I sat down to write as a win, and worry about the rest tomorrow... or maybe the next day.