I started writing a birthday post - a day early, just to make sure I got it exactly right - for one of my very favorite people and one of the closest to my soul; all the things I loved about her, and all the things that make me awed about her.
And then I had a thought. How long has it been since since I've thought those things about myself? I walked passed a mirror quickly on the way out of the bathroom this morning and stopped, in the same thought, and wondered where all the things I love about myself had gone. It's been a bit of a struggle for me lately, knowing what I have the capacity for right now, or who I have the capacity for right now - who I've become and who, ultimately, with my birthday right around the corner, of who I want to be for the next 45 years. The first 45 were a little rocky in spots, but Good Lord, I turned out good.
So here's to me... Love, me.
What I love about you - to the woman in the mirror staring back at me.
I love your soul.
You are my favorite person in the world.
I love hearing stories about your travels around the world with this amazing partner you've found. Can you even believe we ever got so lucky?
I love how talented you are at handling crisis. I love that you can talk about all the things that affect your heart and how you let people hear you. We need to be better at not feeling like we've revealed too much and the judgement behind it. Let's work on feeling less guilty about revealing too much to the people that surround us. Last year, I remember saying I was going to talk less and listen more. I think I accomplished that. I am a better listener, but did that come without suppression?
When we're apart (much like I feel now), it makes me happy to think about feeling whole again.
I believe we'd make a great difference - if we could just find the right opportunity. I feel it's just around the corner, like a voice in the distance that keeps getting louder... Warmer....warmer... hotter...
I love to watch you feel confident. That SJP walk you get when you know you got it right. God, that feels good.
You deserve the Patience of Mother Friggen Teresa Award. For so many years, impatience was my self proclaimed nemesis - until I realized - it wasn't the facts at all. I am the most patient person I know.
I love the sound of your voice when you sing all the words to all the songs, no matter who's listening.
If you were a holiday - you'd be the quietest celebration with the loudest laughter and the very best food.
It's hard to put into words how strongly I feel about your resilience. Lord we've been through some shit and we just keep on trekking, don't we?
I love how good you are at giving me time. And warning. I don't really know how to describe it, but we've become very good at that gut feeling.
I love how you make sense when the rest of the world seems like it's gone mad. This past year has been a doozie of unreasonableness and over exaggerated emotions. Thank you for keeping your own sense of morality and reason in tact.
I love going to the ends of the Earth with you. I have watched you push yourself to edge of your fears so many times. To the edge of what you know, to the edge of what you want to know. To the edge of the cliff, to the edge of the emotions. To the edge of the truth, and the edge of possibilities.
You have the greatest taste in doughnuts. That's right. Or should we say... croughnuts?
I love how you find joy in something everyday - and practice gratitude.
If you wanted to, you could easily walk away and be fine. ( I told myself to write with my gut here, and oof.) We've learned the hard way. We'll always be okay.
You want to make me be a better human. Every. Single. Day.
I would love to create a life that you can be proud of for you.
I love to play safe with you. Just the same as we have been to the edge of the Earth, I also like the safe spaces that hold all the quiet. I like the comfort when we play it safe.
I believe the world needs your unique rationale and truth. I think sometimes we are perceived as harsh, or grumpy- as hubs says, when we simply tell the truth. Sometimes we paint a real picture for people instead of the common sugar coating, and it's just not well received. But the truth is, maybe more people need less sugar coat and more reality. I love that you don't speak with vengeance though, just truth, even when your voice shakes.
We should totally have a tea together. So many things can be solved with a good cup of tea. (full disclosure - I want to say "rule the world, because it would be a much different place")
I love how you want to leave this place better than you found it, and make a difference. I love that your desire for your legacy is to be good memories for people, and leaving people positively affected because you were part of their life at some point.
If you were a color you'd be the color of every single beautiful sunset. The way pink and purple mix with orange and blue, the way the shades mix between light and dark, the way silver lines every dark cloud.
I still can't believe you try to see the best in people long after they've shown you who they really are. It will be our greatest lesson - when someone shows you who they are - believe them the first time.
I love how you love and respect my sacred spaces and time, and have built boundaries to protect it.
It's so incredibly funny when you laugh with great abandon. Someone ONCE shushed me when I was laughing... Only once. I will never quiet joyfulness for anyone.
I love how you have such strong faith that there is something greater beyond this lifetime. Never let that go. Be curious, ask questions, learn all the things. Be brave, accept no judgement, and know your own truth.
You give the best hugs. I believe in sharing my soul with people I hug. I don't hug quickly, I don't hug when I don't mean it, I don't butterfly tap or shoulder touch. When I hug you, I am embracing you and welcoming you into my space. It's a sacred thing to share part of yourself with someone. Don't take it lightly.
I love remembering the time we realized our self worth - learning "you can't have my body until you know and love my brain". It was October 19,2013, and I have, gratefully, never been the same.
I love to pick your brain. Oh I love the times when we contemplate and think and suggest and solve and learn.
Everyone should be as kind as you.
I love it when you dance with your husband like the rest of the world doesn't exist and no one else matters.
I never get tired of your love for adventure. I've always loved adventure. A good walk, a hike, a destination, the newness, the bravery, the wonder, the curiosity, the feeling alive and whole.
I love how you never get tired of my curiosity and asking questions.
I love to take time for you. I'm so glad we've learned the importance of self care and just how important we are.
I'd like to take you to Italy. And all the beautiful places that hold all the beautiful experiences. But mostly Italy.
I love it when you wear anything that makes you feel like yourself. A good pair of jeans and boots, sometimes a gypsy style dress with jewelry that jingles. Sometimes sweatpants and a hoodie. I love it when you wear perfume. I love it when you wear a smile that makes laugh lines at the corners of your eyes, and when you wear confidence like a jacket - on the outside.
If you were a dessert, you'd be a double layer chocolate cake, with buttercream icing and heart shaped sprinkles the colors of sunsets.
I love how you love sitting on a bench with your best friend in one of your favorite places for hours with no agenda.
I love how you believe in the power of connection, a good cup of tea, God, the relationship you have with your dog, writing things down, silence, being still, a good conversation, laughter, and love.
I always want to hear what you have to say about that book we just read.
I am kind of obsessed with your dog.
I love how you have learned to let someone take care of me when I need it. It was a long time coming.
No one else can plan a gift out like you.
I am so grateful that I learned who we are, who we want to be, and what our non-negotiables are. It takes people lifetimes to learn the things we have in 45 years.
If you've sat and read this whole thing, and you're still here - well, thanks. It took me two and a half hours to write it - and mere minutes for you to read it. It's a great little exercise - and I encourage you all to do it, even if just in your own head. I used a little fill in the blank book - and bolded all the parts to answer. I've also decided to do this as gifts for my loved ones for birthdays or maybe Christmas. 50 things I love about you, even though there are millions more. I did 45 things for myself - one for every year behind me. It was surprising...and not, and maybe I just needed to write something to get back into the writing of anything. Maybe you'll think it's a little narcissistic, and maybe I don't care, and maybe that's part of what I love about me.
Your turn. I hope you'll share a few with me.
With love,
J
