Love Wins - A Hallmark Movies Starring the Muppets.

 I wanted to share this with you. The you that struggles on the holidays; the "happiest time of year"... Not everyone will be happy I posted this.  In fact, someone will for sure be pissed off that the optics of our family aren't perfect.  

I wanted to share it because in a few days, everyone is going to post pictures of their perfect Christmases.  The dinners, the games, the activities, the presents.  I will too.  In fact, I'm going to try to post some of my favorites today.  I want to share the beautiful moments, but I also want you to know that beyond the pictures... beyond everyone's pictures... it's not always beautiful.  There is struggle and chaos and emotions and feelings, and that, my friends, is called being a REAL HUMAN.  

Today, my kids and their partners along with my mother in law, are currently stuck in a city they don't want to be in, waiting to get home with grounded planes ruining their plans. Believe me, no one is happy about it.  It was a very late night that turned into a very early morning and huge bill that I am sure no one could afford.  The airport is crowded with miserable people, all stuck in the same predicament, either trying to go home, or leave home.  The snow has just stopped now, and temp has come up a bit. The sun has pushed through, and maybe, just maybe, it might be a sign of good news.  Or maybe not.  Some situations seem to be tricky tricksters after all.   

Let back up for a second.  Our family "celebrates" Christmas a week before everyone else.  The kids all come to our house for a few days, and we plan some things, and eat the food, and exchange the gifts.  Then we post the pictures we like... 

Ay... there's the rub.  The season affords us both the pictures (memories) we like, and the ones we don't.  

Our Christmas is never all rainbows and pixie sticks.  Someone told me this year, "I can't wait to hear about your weekend - I have been imagining a real Hallmark Christmas Movie all weekend!"  After all, we had been planning it for weeks!  And then I laughed, and I laughed... Oh - but it was!  It had a great start, and a tumultuous middle, you know, where the characters struggle, then some sort of resolution?  I'm just waiting on the happy ending.  Spoiler alert - there isn't always one, exactly.  Just the love left over when everyone is gone - and THAT is what keeps us beating our head against the decked halls.  

 Let me run this down for you.  

Wednesday night, everyone rolls in on a plane.  It takes multiple vehicles for retrieval.  There's a lot of people.  Fact.  Everyone is tired and snack-ish.  We fill our lovelies with banana and strawberry crepes while we listen to the stories of the day's travel and everything on the planet that is happened over the span of time since the last time we've seen them all.  Everyone is happy and exhausted.  Full house, full hearts. Happy momma.  Sleep. Good. 

Thursday, we take a non traditional turn and take everyone to the hot springs before a dinner out and attending the CP Rail Christmas train concert.  Beautiful.  I have made sure to tell EVERYONE before we left - hats. mitts, coats, boots.  I bring blankets.  Does everyone bring all the things?  Nope.  Are we able to be together enjoying music and lights and hot chocolate?  Nope.  Because it's cold, and one requires a coat to keep warm.  And boots, and mitts, and hats.  Also, the - this one doesn't enjoy the company of that one, and these two just want to be by themselves, and this one should be spending some time with that one, and that one is sick, and this one always gets left out - has begun.  With time to warm up, table games start, snacks, laughter.  Good things.  Memories.  Yes, good - mostly. 

Friday - half this group loves the ski hill.  Half does not.  It's fine, there's a spa and shopping to be done.  We get it sorted, and everyone has an expensive, yet great day.  Everyone is joyfully tired after dinner.  What a great weekend this is!! 

Saturday... it's been two (or three) full days of togetherness for some of us.  That makes for some sticky relative humidity, and the pretending loving this Christmas thing and all it's facets gets harder and harder.  There is an ill planned event thrown in the middle that interrupts all the things, more sick kids, over indulgence, over tired, overwhelmed, over Christmased.  There is resentment and shitty attitudes.  There is yelling and inconsideration and disrespect.  There is more yelling.  There are people sleeping in locations others than those assigned to them.  This is our "Christmas Eve".  There are no games, there is no cheer.  There is door slamming and yelling and a whole lot of Fuck Yous.  Merry Christmas? 

Sunday... Our Christmas Day.  Silence mostly.  Interrupted by tears, some door slamming, more name calling, more illness, angry parents, angry children, hurt feelings, more resentment and one HUGE tug of war of trying to keep the peace.  It's not even noon.  There are humans holding more than they can bear, and there is nowhere to escape to.  By two, things seems to be lighter, calmer at least.  Begrudgingly, and because they know it's planned, eight of us take part in outdoor Christmas Olympics, and laughter finds us.  It's cold, there are still sick people, there is still hurt, but there is also still love.  Dinner, for who can attend due to an abundance of germs, is still awkward.  Presents follow.  We all do what we can with what we've got at this point.  There is an enormous realization of effort here - believe me, it does not go unnoticed and my heart swells a little.  The ickiness of the night before and morning is still lurking.  There are things we can't shake and the silence takes over again, followed by more tears.  Y'all... these are the parts that no one talks about.  No one posts about it.  This is real, blended family bullshit.  This is pasts and presents colliding and adulting and learning and real life.  Real Life.  It's not always easy and joyful - despite what social media has us looking for.  Real. Life.  

So, if your Christmas isn't snowballs and sparkly lights, if you struggle with family gatherings and keeping the peace, if you try your best to make a Hallmark movie with the likes of the Muppet Show, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  If you don't love Christmas - I got you.  I see you.  That doesn't mean you don't love your family, or your people.  Society has made it nearly impossible to keep up with the Grizwolds, and the Miracles on 34th Street.  I am no Cindy Lou Who.  Not anymore.  And if you aren't either, ya ya peeps.  I see you.  

Remember what I said earlier?  It's the love that lingers, beyond it all? I still cried when we dropped everyone off at the airport (uhhh even though they are still there?).  I always do.  Love wins.  It's the reason you answer the phone at 1:15 am after all the flights have been cancelled and someone asks - "Dad (or mom, depending on the phone), what do we do?".  Things you realize in that moment: 1.  Your adult children are still children, and even though they need guidance on how to sort this out, they still called their safe place first (because love wins)  2.  Even though you haven't slept properly in days, you still search your phone at 2:30 in the morning for taxis and hotels to make sure they are safe (because love wins).  3.  You will be very proud of how they have conducted themselves through this mini life crisis/lesson.  Love wins.  

You don't have to love Christmas.  This season is harder than it has been created to be.  You don't have to love all the moving parts of your family.  If you can tolerate them, congrats, but if you can't, you're not alone, but LOVE STILL WINS.    Did we have good times? Yep.  Did we play games and laugh?  Yep.  Did we argue and fight? Sure did. Did we love each other?  Yes.  Even when we didn't like each other. Was it perfect?  Not even close.  Do we want to do it again?  Not right now.  Will we next year?  Probably.   Love wins.  

I hope you all still want to hug your lovelies and hold hands with your loves, and put forth the effort, because, my sweets, love wins.  I promise.  It's going to be okay, even if it's not shiny all the time.   Do not let all those perfect pictures infect your sense of who or what your family is or isn't.  No family is perfect, relationships are messy and hard and perfectly imperfect.  People share their joy, but often not their struggles and that's where the loneliness grows.  And you, I, we are not alone.  

I'll tell ya what - this would make one heck of a screenplay - even if it's performed by muppets.  

Also - love wins.  So we win.  Perfectly imperfect. 

Merry Christmas my loves. I see you. I love you. 

J

You Are Not Enough

 You are enough. 

You are enough. 

For years, social media has been inundated with YOU ARE ENOUGH. 

And sometimes, you are.  And for you, and those people, on those days - awesome.  

But what if you aren't? 

Hear me out.... 

What if you aren't enough for THAT person?  That's not your fault.  That person, whomever that is, might need more.  That person, might need more than you are or more that you can give - or maybe even want to - and that's okay too.  You don't have to be enough for everyone else.  That person that needs more - that's on them! 

I could say you are a lion.  You are brave, protective, and fierce. You are a lion.  The fact remains - you're not.  You are human.  You may hold those traits, but you are not a lion.  You are human.  

I could say you are a bee.  You work hard, you like to be busy, you are productive and find sweet things.  You are a bee.  Factually. you are not a bee.  You are human.

And if you, like me, have ever been not enough, and struggled with all the soul work, and were as much as you could be, and still came up short to being someone else's enough - and realized IT'S NOT YOU... you, my friend, have won at life.  You can't be enough for everyone.  You can only be you, and who you are matters.  

Why do we always have to be enough for someone?  Most days, I am enough for me; but not all days.  Some days I know I can be more.  Somedays I need more of me too.  

"Why am I not enough for them? Why isn't everything I do ENOUGH?"
Enough for what? For them to love you? For them to make an effort? To make them stay? The truth is, some people need more. And that's not up to you. Some people need their hand held for all the things, some people need their decisions made for them. Some people need control that you aren't willing to relinquish. Some people have desires and needs and stories in their own minds that you don't meet. That's not for you to take on. You don't have to be enough for someone. You are human.

You don't have to be enough for them. You don't have to be enough for you; not everyday. You can be as much of enough for yourself as you see fit. You are human.

You aren't enough. And that's okay. You don't need to be enough for anyone else. I'm changing the lyrics.  You matter.  Just as you are.  You are someone's whole world, you are someone's miracle.  You are the reason someone smiles.  You are the god damn sun.  So you if you aren't enough for someone else, let them find enough - and leave you to to shine on.   

I wish you love, I hope you are whole.


J

What I Love About You

I started writing a birthday post - a day early, just to make sure I got it exactly right - for one of my very favorite people and one of the closest to my soul; all the things I loved about her, and all the things that make me awed about her.  

And then I had a thought.  How long has it been since since I've thought those things about myself?  I walked passed a mirror quickly on the way out of the bathroom this morning and stopped, in the same thought, and wondered where all the things I love about myself had gone.  It's been a bit of a struggle for me lately, knowing what I have the capacity for right now, or who I have the capacity for right now - who I've become and who, ultimately, with my birthday right around the corner, of who I want to be for the next 45 years.   The first 45 were a little rocky in spots, but Good Lord, I turned out good. 

So here's to me... Love, me.  

What I love about you - to the woman in the mirror staring back at me.  

I love your soul. 

You are my favorite person in the world. 

I love hearing stories about your travels around the world with this amazing partner you've found. Can you even believe we ever got so lucky?  

I love how talented you are at handling crisis.  I love that you can talk about all the things that affect your heart and how you let people hear you.  We need to be better at not feeling like we've revealed too much and the judgement behind it.  Let's work on feeling less guilty about revealing too much to the people that surround us.  Last year, I remember saying I was going to talk less and listen more.  I think I accomplished that.  I am a better listener, but did that come without suppression? 

When we're apart (much like I feel now), it makes me happy to think about feeling whole again. 

I believe we'd make a great difference - if we could just find the right opportunity. I feel it's just around the corner, like a voice in the distance that keeps getting louder... Warmer....warmer... hotter...

I love to watch you feel confident.  That SJP walk you get when you know you got it right.  God, that feels good. 

You deserve the Patience of Mother Friggen Teresa Award.  For so  many years, impatience was my self proclaimed nemesis - until I realized - it wasn't the facts at all.  I am the most patient person I know. 

I love the sound of your voice when you sing all the words to all the songs, no matter who's listening. 

If you were a holiday - you'd be the quietest celebration with the loudest laughter and the very best food. 

It's hard to put into words how strongly I feel about your resilience.  Lord we've been through some shit and we just keep on trekking, don't we?

I love how good you are at giving me time.  And warning. I don't really know how to describe it, but we've become very good at that gut feeling.  

I love how you make sense when the rest of the world seems like it's gone mad.  This past year has been a doozie of unreasonableness and over exaggerated emotions.  Thank you for keeping your own sense of morality and reason in tact. 

I love going to the ends of the Earth with you.   I have watched you push yourself to edge of your fears so many times.  To the edge of what you know, to the edge of what you want to know.  To the edge of the cliff, to the edge of the emotions.  To the edge of the truth, and the edge of possibilities.  

You have the greatest taste in doughnuts.  That's right.  Or should we say... croughnuts? 

I love how you find joy in something everyday - and practice gratitude. 

If you wanted to, you could easily walk away and be fine.  ( I told myself to write with my gut here, and oof.) We've learned the hard way. We'll always be okay. 

You want to make me be a better human.  Every. Single. Day.

I would love to create a life that you can be proud of  for you. 

I love to play safe with you.  Just the same as we have been to the edge of the Earth, I also like the safe spaces that hold all the quiet.  I like the comfort when we play it safe. 

I believe the world needs your unique rationale and truth.  I think sometimes we are perceived as harsh, or grumpy- as hubs says, when we simply tell the truth.  Sometimes we paint a real picture for people instead of the common sugar coating, and it's just not well received.  But the truth is, maybe more people need less sugar coat and more reality.  I love that you don't speak with vengeance though, just truth, even when your voice shakes. 

We should totally have a tea together.  So many things can be solved with a good cup of tea. (full disclosure - I want to say "rule the world, because it would be a much different place")

I love how you want to leave this place better than you found it, and make a difference.  I love that your desire for your legacy is to be good memories for people, and leaving people positively affected because you were part of their life at some point. 

If you were a color you'd be the color of every single beautiful sunset.  The way pink and purple mix with orange and blue, the way the shades mix between light and dark, the way silver lines every dark cloud.

I still can't believe you try to see the best in people long after they've shown you who they really are.  It will be our greatest lesson - when someone shows you who they are - believe them the first time. 

I love how you love and respect my sacred spaces and time, and have built boundaries to protect it. 

It's so incredibly funny when you laugh with great abandon.  Someone ONCE shushed me when I was laughing... Only once.  I will never quiet joyfulness for anyone. 

I love how you have such strong faith that there is something greater beyond this lifetime.  Never let that go.  Be curious, ask questions, learn all the things.  Be brave, accept no judgement, and know your own truth.  

You give the best hugs.  I believe in sharing my soul with people I hug.  I don't hug quickly, I don't hug when I don't mean it, I don't butterfly tap or shoulder touch.  When I hug you, I am embracing you and welcoming you into my space.  It's a sacred thing to share part of yourself with someone.  Don't take it lightly. 

I love remembering the time we realized our self worth - learning "you can't have my body until you know and love my brain". It was October 19,2013, and I have, gratefully, never been the same.

I love to pick your brain.  Oh I love the times when we contemplate and think and suggest and solve and learn. 

Everyone should be as kind as you. 

I love it when you dance with your husband like the rest of the world doesn't exist and no one else matters. 

I never get tired of your love for adventure. I've always loved adventure.  A good walk, a hike, a destination, the newness, the bravery, the wonder, the curiosity, the feeling alive and whole.  

I love how you never get tired of my curiosity and asking questions. 

I love to take time for you. I'm so glad we've learned the importance of self care and just how important we are.

I'd like to take you to Italy. And all the beautiful places that hold all the beautiful experiences. But mostly Italy. 

I love it when you wear anything that makes you feel like yourself.  A good pair of jeans and boots, sometimes a gypsy style dress with jewelry that jingles.  Sometimes sweatpants and a hoodie.  I love it when you wear perfume.  I love it when you wear a smile that makes laugh lines at the corners of your eyes, and when you wear confidence like a jacket - on the outside. 

If you were a dessert, you'd be a double layer chocolate cake, with buttercream icing and heart shaped sprinkles the colors of sunsets.

I love how you love sitting on a bench with your best friend in one of your favorite places for hours with no agenda. 

I love how you believe in  the power of connection, a good cup of tea, God, the relationship you have with your dog, writing things down, silence, being still, a good conversation, laughter, and love. 

I always want to hear what you have to say about that book we just read. 

I am kind of obsessed with your dog. 

I love how you have learned to let someone take care of me when I need it. It was a long time coming. 

No one else can plan a gift out like you.  

I am so grateful that I learned who we are, who we want to be, and what our non-negotiables are.  It takes people lifetimes to learn the things we have in 45 years. 

If you've sat and read this whole thing, and you're still here - well, thanks.  It took me two and a half hours to write it - and mere minutes for you to read it.  It's a great little exercise - and I encourage you all to do it, even if just in your own head.  I used a little fill in the blank book  - and bolded all the parts to answer.  I've also decided to do this as gifts for my loved ones for birthdays or maybe Christmas.  50 things I love about you, even though there are millions more. I did 45 things for myself - one for every year behind me.  It was surprising...and not, and maybe I just needed to write something to get back into the writing of anything. Maybe you'll think it's a little narcissistic, and maybe I don't care, and maybe that's part of what I love about me. 

Your turn.  I hope you'll share a few with me.

With love,

J