Humble and Kind...and Enough

In the last half hour, I saw a  picture of a girl who bullied me through three of my teenage years.  She was the gem that met me at the corner of the building I had a class in, and threatened my life - daily.  She loathed me, and was pretty vocal about it.  She never laid a hand on me, but held all the crippling power in a mere suggestion of it.  Daily.  She was, then, then epitome of evil to me.  She made me afraid to go to class, to school, leave the house, have friends, go anywhere possible she might be.  She made my stomach turn in knots, and made me want to be physically ill.  She was ugly inside. 

Twenty seven years later, I am on the brink of 42, and the feeling has switched from anger and hurt to curiosity (okay, and truthfully still a little anger).  My stomach still knots at the memories.  I actually scrolled through her facebook profile.  There's a baby, and a fiancé.  There is a smile that seems not to be fueled by someone else's pain.  There is a post that reads, ironically, "always stay humble and kind", and I actually scoffed out loud.  I blurted out an iconic Alicia Silverstone "AS IF!".  And sitting there, staring at her, I wondered if there was any chance she actually believed that now.  I wondered if she learned.  I mean, really... don't we all?  But Lord, do I want the answer to that question.  Does she really, truly, from her soul, feel that kindness matters?  And does she even have a clue as to what she did?  Was she ever sorry? 

And then, I thought - does it matter? The fact is, I'll never know the answer.  I am a successful, beautiful, confident woman that was affected by bullying.  It doesn't make me a victim.  It makes me a God damn survivor of terror, and good for me for being raised with skills to make me better than her.  It also made me a better parent eventually, a better friend, and guess what?  It made me kinder.

A few years ago, I did some public speaking in schools all over Alberta.  I had created and presented a program called "I Believe In Me".  I talked about the power of confidence growing up believing in yourself and empowering other people to do the same. I used her as an example of who not to be and secretly wished she could hear it.  It empowered me, it empowered children.  I won.

I know now, as an adult, that her behaviour was some sort of internal struggle with her own confidence and her need to be more powerful than someone or whatever the thing was that ate at her from the inside out.  I know she had no real seeded reason for her hatred.  It wasn't really me.  It was the threat of me, who I was, what I was, where I was - and it was everything she wasn't, but maybe wanted to be.  Today, right now, my hope is that she really did learn that she was enough, is enough, and doesn't need anyone else's pain to make her feel it.  I hope she finally feels "enough".

Here's how I'm going to leave this all:  You know when you hear someone say "it's okay..." after an apology?  First of all, I'm never getting that apology.  I'm not that naïve.  But I am never going to say it was or is okay.  I understand your shitty behaviour.  You were a shitty person.  I hope you've become less shitty, and live now to rectify who you were. I hope you are both humble and kind.