I never got to be an auntie. I mean - biologically, I did... but life threw this wicked curve ball, and my nieces and nephew were eliminated from my life with lies and stories and horrible actions of adults that never should have happened. It was horrible and it sucks. I got to be auntie for about eight years. That was it. I never got to do the fun things I always imagined I would have with them. There were no trips to the mall, no amusement parks, no adventures. There was no family camping, no late night chats, no weeks of visiting or college re-homing. There was zero shared parenting. It's a shame really. It's a loss for so many people, and the grief, somedays, will gut me. I wanted to know them. I wanted to love them.
This isn't a blow to my sibling. He has his own story and hurt, decisions, and devastation. His story isn't mine to tell. It's simply a statement - my statement. I didn't get to know these kids. They didn't get to know me - or their cousins. They didn't get to live outside the game of divorce. They lived in a shadow. I wonder how long that is going to be a thing.
They are adults now (but are they?), and it still boggles my mind how they've never asked. I wonder what they've been told. They've never come around or sent a message, or an email, phone call or text. They've never asked why - even if it was out of their own anger. No whys. I hope one day there are a million whys. I hope one day they realize they had grandparents and an aunt that loved them - that wanted them, that wanted them to be part of a family. I hope they know we tried. We called, we emailed, we texted. We went around people, and through people. We tried - only to be met with hatred we didn't deserve. It was a defense, I know that now. Guilt does funny things to people. I hope one day they see beyond the shadows and the lies and in their own adult experiences, see what they grew up being told wasn't the truth.
I remember, one Christmas... they were tweenagers, and dropped off at my parents house for a unplanned, secret, fast visit. That's how it was - manipulation and control. I snuck over to my parent's house with my own kids, just so they had some time. You see, it wasn't allowed. They weren't allowed to see us. More guilt. It was all supposed to be a big secret. Those were the imposed rules of visitation. It's all so disgusting. I was so tired of it, even then. They wanted to spend some time with their cousins. It was taco night at my house, and they so badly wanted to come... but they'd have to ask her. I hope, as adults, they remember the terror they felt in simply trying to find the courage to ask to go their cousin's house for tacos. That's what their life was. Afraid to ask to go to auntie's house for tacos.
I tried one night to talk to her, to be reasonable - and was refused. I wrote emails and letters... no response. I begged for time with them. Nope. I bet they never knew. I bet they were never told. I've emailed through their other aunt - nothing. She said she'd try. Another lie. I don't understand what makes people so horrible.
Years ago, I thought I'd get on the other side of this all when my oldest niece was trying to adult too soon. She had questions and words and wanted to be heard. I had no answers that were fair, so I simply said "you'll have to ask your parents - both of them - and sort it out for yourself". I won't lie to them, I never have, and I never would. The results were tragic and years of silence ensued. The effects were anti-auntie all the way around.
So now, in this age of social media - you'd think it would be easier. It's not. There's so much hurt and damage. There's been so much refused effort. They even changed their last name - a huge Fuck You to a family that tried. A last straw.
"But we were just kids"... and now you are not. You've grown up accustomed to lies and hurt. That makes my soul hurt too.
My own divorce and life decisions made being an aunt an obsolete things too. I was divorced before there were more kids on that side except one, and at least my kids got to stay in touch with them. My kids know them, and someone else is their aunt - and she's a good one.
I have an amazing aunt. She has been a co-parent. She has been a friend, a companion, and confidant. There have been late night chats, phone calls, texts, journeys, adventures. I wanted to be just like the aunt she was and still is for me. I never got the chance, but lord I swear I tried. It makes me incredibly sad. I've waited years and years to write this. I waited until they were adults. I've sat in it, with it, and held it. I've walked with it, and now, I'm finally putting it down. This shit is too heavy, and some things, you just can't carry forever. It's another lesson I could have taught them all. I have so much to share that they can't even begin to know...
Life experiences shape people. That's what they do. Sometimes you don't even know until you do. Let me explain - in the long story short version... I met Kevin almost eight years ago. Kevin has two amazing nieces - adults when I met them. Kevin's niece Brooke, had a little girl, Shelby - his great niece. He is uncle Kevin to nieces, (and now and great nieces and nephews). I was so envious in watching them together. The hugs and the stories and the laughter, and the familial bond. En-vi-ous. One summer, we were out at the cabin, visiting, and Brooke said to Shelby (who was two then, maybe three?) - "go ask Auntie Jenn". My heart snapped open... Auntie... It took me a minute to register it, and my eyes welled with tears I had to fight back. I get to be an auntie... I cried for hours that night, in joy, in sadness, in relief, in gratitude. It happened again and again, then with Kaycee, and then Kendra with Carson. I didn't even know I'd get to be an auntie, to be called Auntie, to do the things that aunties do. And now, I get to be an auntie to nieces and nephews in a family that let me. I can't wait for the littles to be old enough to spend more than hour or two here. This family will probably never understand my gratitude and love for them all.
So now what? I'm putting it down. To my biological nieces and nephew - I hope one day you understand the truth. I hope one day you ask why I didn't get to be part of your life. And if you do, and the answer you get from someone other that me is "she didn't want to", know for an absolute fact, that is a lie. There are few things in life I wanted more than to be your auntie, and I tried until there was so many holes in my heart that I couldn't try anymore. In fact, that's true for more than just me. I am easy to find, I am easy to contact. The rest, at this point, is up to you.
For those that allow me space in their life, I am an auntie and it means the world to me. You may never know just how much.
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