Momin'

Phewf.. Being a parent is hard.  The end.  

Okay, not really the end.  It's never ending.  We never stop being parents, and I don't think that it's fully understood nor appreciated until we are parents ourselves.  Our children don't know.  They just don't. 

My kids are adults now, and sometimes I wonder if they know just how much I still am their mom - I mean, not just this woman that birthed them and raised them to be adults, that taught them all their things... But a mom who still worries, who still longs for the child that used to crawl up in my lap and cuddle.  I am still a mom who wonders if she did it right, or is doing it right. I still wonder if they eating right, or if they have enough clothes.  I want to make sure they are making the right decisions for themselves and blame myself when I suspect they aren't.  I want to tell them all the things I know they should do... but I can't.  I mean...I can... but I'm not that parent.  It's not who I've decided to be.  So I try not to give unsolicited advice... I try. 

 I wonder if they know that I still cry every single time I have to say goodbye and leave them behind. 

Every.

Single.

Time.

Dear children, I smile when you text me, I love it when you call.  I worry about you every day.  I need to know that you are good, that you are eating, that you are clothed and healthy.  I need to know that you are working towards becoming the very best version of yourself and that you are happy.  When I hug you, I am still holding my baby - the very same one that was just an infant a blink of an eye ago.  For my bonus kids, this only differs in your height at time of entering my soul.  You are just as much a part of me.  I need you to know that you are complete and whole as you are, and you never need another human to fill that role, but I hope you find someone that compliments you in all the right ways, adores you, cherishes you and loves you as they love themselves.  You are enough.  You always have been.  You are precious.  Don't ever let anyone make you stand in their shadow.  You are the sun. 

Oof.  Kids.  They are the very best part of me, and I'm never going to stop mommin'.  It's a fact.  I'm 45 and I still turn to my mom when I need momming too.  I pray, that when my kids are 45 with their own kids, they still come home for some mommin'.  I pray they won't need it, but still want it.  And yes, I will cry every time I leave them behind so they can move forward. 

Every.

Single. 

Time. 

 

I want this time back...