Crying Over Spilled Wine

So this happened tonight. 

And then I sat down in the middle of it all and cried. 

What a shit day.  It started shitty, and got a bit better.  Then it was shitty again, and got better again.  Then it was busy and anxiety filled and and screamy and fighty and frustrating and madenning and then really, really shitty.  This.  Broken mess of spilled everything on the floor.  And also the wine. 

It was my last straw today when I thought the last straw had already been drawn.  And I actually thought to myself - if I don't let my words out I am going to explode.  And here we are.  Me at my keyboard, still crying, and you reading, probably thinking - dude..hot mess alert. 

**And let me tell ya, I am really fucking tired of people telling me what not to write, or that their feelings were hurt, or that maybe someone would see this and be offended or angry or upset... If this is you - stop reading and fuck off. ** 

I sat down in the middle of it and cried big, feel sorry for myself, alligator tears.  I cried for the mess, I cried for the frustration.  I cried for everything no one understands about this business and its hours and the work and the loneliness.  I cried because every day I don't love it, but I everyday I don't hate it.  I hate it today.  Tomorrow I won't.  I cried because there are people every day that make my day beautiful and they make me smile.  I cried because I miss my own people like that.  I cried because I am angry and feeling unheard when I speak, and because today someone made me feel like less that I deserve to feel.    I learned my worth a long fucking time ago, and I cried for that too. 

I slammed doors and threw boxes.  I cursed broken bottles and sharp words.  I replayed loud conversations in my head.  I reheard it all.  And I said nothing - so I cried for that too.  I cried for broken promises and because life isn't always fair.  I cried for so many things today, I am on empty. 

Then I picked up the pieces and moved on... because that's what I do. You know what I do know?  That broken bottle doesn't get less broken if you say "sorry" and throw it back on the ground.  That's what I know.