I started going to therapy last year. I have been exactly nine times. It has cost me exactly $1323.00. Have I learned anything? Sure, who wouldn’t? I love my therapist. She’s easy to talk to, and she can’t take my stuff to anyone else and blabber it anywhere. She doesn’t judge me or my feelings, she lets me rage, she lets me cry, she lets me eye roll and say no to things I think are ridiculous like forgiveness. I’ve sat in her office and blathered on for an hour about alllll things while she just listened. Then I put my shoes back on (I can’t speak freely with shoes on. It’s a thing.) and go to Starbucks, Chapters, Costco (in that order, always) then home. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Therapy for me, served a specific purpose when I
started. Truth is, I didn’t really need
to go. I just needed a place to unpack all the things on my mind instead of
burdening my friends with what seemed like an endless stream of negativity and
anger. Even my therapist agreed, I didn’t
really need to be there. I am very self
aware. I’ve done a lot of internal soul
work. I know who I am and who I continue
to want to be. I have coping skills, I
am quite reasonable and intelligent. And
frankly, if people would just stop pissing me off…
Then today, I was in a proper mood. Yes, there was a reason.
Pause here for just a second and stick a pin in the
thought. I just want to say that I am so
god damn tired of “people” – you know the ones – telling me that I am in
control of my own feelings and how I feel about things is my own creation. Fuck off.
I did not ask to be angry, I did not ask to be frustrated, I did not create
my own sadness. If I am in a rage and
short of breath, heart racing, fidgety and wild, there’s most likely a
situation or more likely even, a human behind it, pissing me off. So no, I don’t control my feelings, only my
reaction to the situation or human at hand.
I’m working on reaction and response.
To date, no one has died – Win! It was a 2025 resolution I put out in
the Universe and it answered my challenge.
Back to the story….
I had already made myself a tea, and was sitting in my
office quietly not being able to sort some thoughts, and phone flashed with a
text from one of my very favorite friends.
Just to see her face right then made me tear up, and although the text
she sent me was to provoke laughter and lightness, I knew that wasn’t today’s
end game. I told her “I’m having a day,
and it’s only 9:15”. She said, let me
get my tea and put some pants on.
Our conversation was exactly two hours and thirteen minutes,
and it cost me exactly zero dollars. I
did not need to decompress after; I did not need anything else, actually. I just needed those two hours with someone
that absolutely understood me, could not only relate to me but be relatable,
share experiences, heed advice, ask questions that made me think, and laugh
when I had epiphanies. I am so grateful
for her.
I told her a story of a recent enough experience I had with
a friend closer in physical approximation than she, and very dear to my
heart. My heart was in knots that day,
and I couldn’t even remember why I had driven to her house, though I am sure
there was a reason as I normally wouldn’t just go there in a state. She opened her front door, met me on her
steps and physically caught me as I crumbled, sobbing. She held me so tight and said to me – “you
are so loved”. She said nothing else. She didn’t let go until I did. I was in pieces. It was one of the nicest things anyone has
ever said to me. “You are so loved”. Even when I didn’t feel very lovable in that
moment, I knew, that even if it was just hers, she was right. I was so loved.
As we returned to our tea and our phone call went on, I kept
thinking of the story of the women by the water, washing their clothes
together. The community of it, the togetherness,
the proximity to our people, and how it is so important for our sanity. We need our people. We need to wash our clothes or our
souls. We need to air our laundry and
express ourselves. We need to listen and
to be heard. We need validation and acknowledgement. We need togetherness.
I cancelled my next therapy appointment. I think I’ll just call a friend. My soul will
feel better. I’ll save my next appointment for something worthy of
analysis. Until then, I have my girls,
and tea.
